


cereal, not serial

by fiveyaaas



Series: under mistletoe [9]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Babysitting, Established Relationship, F/M, Five is a bad babysitter, Fluff, side alluther
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28051308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: Five had not grown accustomed to the life that came after. There were many things he had wanted out of his life, that he was finally able to have, and it was overwhelming at times. He’d gotten used to chaos, so truly, he shouldn’t have any trouble at all with the task at hand.The task at hand, of course, being that he babysit Allison’s daughter, Claire.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: under mistletoe [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036878
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42
Collections: Harcest Ficmas 2020





	cereal, not serial

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sunchime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunchime/gifts).



Five had not grown accustomed to the life that came  _ after.  _ There were many things he had wanted out of his life, that he was finally able to have, and it was overwhelming at times. He’d gotten used to chaos, so truly, he shouldn’t have any trouble at all with the task at hand. 

The task at hand, of course, being that he babysit Allison’s daughter, Claire. 

Unfortunately, though, he was incapable of taking care of children. 

It wasn’t that Five wasn’t a genius. In fact, Five  _ was  _ a genius, having mastered plenty of subjects with very little difficulty at all. 

It wasn’t that Five didn’t  _ want  _ to be good at taking care of a child. Five actually thought children weren’t completely abhorrent, so long as they understood their place in the world by being silent. 

No, Five didn’t know why he was bad at babysitting, but he felt like it had something to do with having lived many years completely alone and then a few years of his life assassinating people on a daily basis. 

So, when Claire threw her bowl onto the ground and told him that he made her cereal wrong, he did the most logical, rational thing one could do in that scenario. 

He fled. 

See, Five had agreed to watch the child for Allison and Luther to have a little time alone. He’d done a good thing, agreeing to it, even if he’d admit that he actually did want to learn the nature of what it meant to be an uncle. 

But he’d never expect Allison’s child to act like Allison had when she was that age. 

It was probably an awful thing to do to just leave her at his apartment completely alone, especially since she was a toddler and he had all kinds of weapons lying around his place, but he’d been overwhelmed. Maybe it made him a bad person, but he had the ability to  _ teleport.  _ Where one person may wince when a child tries to launch a spoon in their face, Five’s natural instinct was to blink away from the approaching projectile, all the way to his fiancée’s apartment. 

“Five, what the fuck are you doing here?” Vanya asked. “Where’s Claire?”

“Killer.”

Mishearing him, Vanya gasped, “You  _ killed her?”  _

“No,  _ kill-er.  _ Allison has raised a killer. She was going to kill me. I had to get out of there, pronto.”

“Five, that makes no sense. She’s a toddler.”

He snorted in disbelief, “You had a body count by that point in time, V. We cannot trust the child.”

“But you can trust me?” Clearly, she was off-put by him mentioning that she’d killed so many people when she was a little kid, which Five didn’t have time to examine.

Dismissively, he told her, “Yes, V, of course. But I have to hide here.”

“No.”

_ “What?” _

“Five, there is a four-year-old in your apartment, that I’m pretty sure has a  _ land mine  _ in it, and you have just left her there.”

“Yes, all of these are true statements.” 

“Five, that’s  _ bad.” _

He frowned at her, “How? I had the most appropriate response I could possibly have to a young serial killer on the prowl, choosing me for their next victim.” 

“Give me your hand,” she said through gritted teeth. 

Five frowned, giving her his hand. 

“Take me to your apartment.”

“What? No.” 

And then Vanya threatened something much worse than death. 

“Okay,  _ fine.  _ But you can’t take that from me.”

“I can and  _ will.” _

He shuddered, blinking her back to the apartment. Claire was now sitting on top of the table, looking angelic and charming. Already, she’d trained herself to look innocent, and Five nearly gaped when Vanya picked her up, making cooing noises. “Vanya, step away from the toddler,” he insisted. “She’s not as innocent as she appears.”

Said toddler made bubbles with her own spit in response, and Five backed away in fear. 

“Oh my god, Five, she’s just a toddler.”

“You haven’t seen what I’ve seen, V. She tried to K-I-L-L me with a  _ spoon.” _

Vanya’s voice took on a high pitched, soft quality as she said, “And did this little sweetheart succeed?”

He pursed his lips. “Obviously not, but I know unhinged when I see it.”

“Hmm, in that case, go look in a mirror and fix the look in your eyes.”

“I will  _ not  _ leave you with her.”

And then Claire said, “Hi, Aunt Vee!!!” Five frowned, refusing to fall for the trap until Vanya’s face lit into a bright smile. 

“Hi, Claire! Have you had fun with Uncle Five?”

She nodded excitedly. “He makes bad cereal.”

“He also makes bad life decisions,” Vanya told her conspiratorially, making Five clear his throat in offense. 

“Can  _ you  _ make me cereal?” 

“Of course,” Vanya promised, setting Claire down into a seat and searching through his cabinets. Whatever she found clearly wasn’t satisfactory because she called out, “Five, you only have old man cereals!” 

“I do  _ not,”  _ he yelled back. 

“Special K is the only one of these that  _ I  _ would eat. Of course the four year old doesn’t want to eat  _ Muesli _ .” She walked back to the room, scowling, “Go get some Froot Loops, Lucky Charms, or Cap’n Crunch; I’ll watch her.”

“Or what? You’ll T-H-R-E-A-T-E-N me again?”

She frowned, “Why’d you spell that out?”

“V-I-O-L-E-N-T connotations.” 

She sighed. “Get some disgusting, sugar-y cereals, Five. And leave some money on the shelf if you don’t intend to wait on the checkout line.” 

“Of course I wouldn’t wait on the checkout line. It’s insulting you think I would.”

“Go.”

He kissed her goodbye and sent a meaningful glance to the four-year-old, trying to convey that she was  _ not  _ to kill Vanya. Going to the store, he scooped up a few cereal boxes with abhorrent looking mascots, assuming they’d not be listed as ‘old man cereals.’ 

He got back less than two minutes later, having handed a few twenties to a random person walking around the store, figuring the probability of them being an employee was high enough not to concern himself that he was ‘stealing.’ Vanya had many qualms with his casual acts of thievery, but really she should be more concerned about all the insider trading if anything. 

“Trix?” Vanya said suspiciously. 

“What’s wrong with Trix?” He wasn’t sure why she was giving the anthropomorphic bunny such a disdainful look. Bunnies were cute. 

“Nothing, just an interesting choice.” Five wasn’t sure how to handle this phrasing, but, thankfully, she set to work making a bowl for Claire before he could respond. 

Only for her to throw another bowl on the ground. Vanya jumped back, fear in her eyes. Five stepped in front of her protectively, hands out in front of himself. 

“You know, Santa doesn’t like it when children threaten with bowls,” Vanya said. 

“Vanya,  _ language.” _

“Shut the fuck up, Five, I think I’m getting somewhere.”

If Vanya had chosen different phrasing, Claire might not have started screaming,  _ ‘fuck’  _ at the top of her lungs. 

“What do we  _ do?”  _ Five gasped. “She’s self-actualized.”

“I don’t think that’s what self-actualization means.”

“Doesn’t matter, we’re F-U-C-K-E-D.”

The little fucker started yelling ‘fuck’ more loudly. 

“Vanya,  _ do  _ something.”

Which was how, an hour later, Allison and Luther found them hiding behind a force field, staring in abject horror at a toddler screaming bad words at them. 

“This went about as well as we should have expected,” Luther commented dryly. 

“Did you give her Trix?”

“What’s everybody’s sudden problem with Trix?” Five hissed. 

“I don’t give her any cereal besides Muesli.” 

“Ha!” 

Vanya glowered at his outburst, eyes glowing from using her powers. “Then why did she hate the cereal Five gave her?” 

“Did you make it milk first?”

The force field vanished as Five and Vanya both gaped at Allison. “Why would we  _ ever _ do that?” 

“It’s the only way she eats it.” 

“You were right,” Vanya told him. He nodded sagely. Claire ate Muesli from the container. 

If he was being completely honest, he actually kind of liked this level of chaos. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading💕💕💕💕


End file.
